Math teacher / principal Jon, and egotistical football coach Bork, share how awful/great Rocky Mountain High is from their perspectives (Tough To Be An Optimist/When You’re Me). Izzy, Jon’s assistant and stressed school overachiever, has many worries but chief among them is getting into a prestigious college (I’m Fine). MJ, a widowed mom and RMH alum, is back in town after losing her husband, home and job (Better Me).
It is rampantly clear that the school is obsessed with sports, to the point of neglecting academics. The new, state of the art, climate controlled stadium is proof. Bork’s 99-0 team is a shoo-in for the championship game. This win will catapult him to a lucrative college coaching position. While Bork expounds upon the upcoming game, the football team’s stunt goes awry, leaving them injured.
RMH loses the big game.
Dahla, a sadistic bureaucrat, gleefully informs Jon and Bork that the school will have zero funding for the following year (Dahla / Busted Budget Blues), and will thus be sold to the highest bidder. As the community tries to save RMH (Anything For Money), MJ and Jon grow closer. A date between the two ends disastrously when Jon confesses that he has never felt sexually attracted to anyone (None of the Above). Meanwhile, MJ proposes that they grow and sell marijuana (The Pot Song). Her idea is rejected, and Bork proclaims that he has saved the school.
Bork’s financial solution is Zacharias Wright, a televangelist who wants to buy the school to teach his own, more conservative curriculum. His views distress Jon and Izzy; when Zacharias insults Izzy based on her race, Jon quickly bids Zacharias goodbye, saying they would rather close than take his money (Believe Me). Zacharias is unconcerned. He’ll buy the school at the auction.
Feeling defeated, Jon and the community reluctantly agree to try growing pot. The climate controlled stadium is the perfect place to grow the plants. An angry Bork burns down the crop. In the throes of a massive contact high, Bork hallucinates an entire dream sequence, which he eventually shares with Jon (Marijuana Dream Ballet). While high, Jon realizes that he is asexual. With their last ditch attempt foiled by Bork’s idiocy, Jon surveys the ashes of the marijuana plants and formulates a genius idea.
On the day of the auction, Jon is nowhere to be found, and MJ and Zacharias both bid on the school (Russell). Even with all of the money the community raised, Zacharias is prepared to outbid them. Jon bursts in! He has turned the ashes into synthetic diamonds using the powers of science. Zacharias baits the good lord above for the last time. God, him/her/themself descends from the heavens and smites Zacharias (God). The town rejoices that they can continue their kids’ education. Zacharias’s wife Wanda Jo is elated to be free of his companionship (Karma). The town gets the school back. Jon comes out to MJ and confesses that he loves her platonically (Perfect Square).